Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
