I just saw a hot homeless man
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
They are going to name an STD after you.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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