i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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