I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize