I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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