you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
