toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
People in love make me want to vomit
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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