perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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