I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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