If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize