My Higher Power is John Stamos
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
