I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize