Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
