tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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