NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
