the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
