i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
