If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize
