if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
