Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
