my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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