right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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