I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Everyone says I win the strip club
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
