I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
