my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm sobbing to NWA
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
