Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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