wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
