I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
