i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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