The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
