i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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