She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
