in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
