Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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