When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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