you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
