You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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