Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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