piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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