what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
