I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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