Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
