I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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