mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
