I didn't shave. On purpose
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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