You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize