i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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