Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
