i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
