she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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