we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize