I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
