you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
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