you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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