i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
