I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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