3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
