I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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