apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
