I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
