I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
