hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Randomize
